Dating Games: The married me

If I was in need of dating advice, I would want to hear from someone who had recently been single, but was now on the other side

By TAMAR CASPI SCHNELL
marriage proposal 521 (photo credit: courtesy)
marriage proposal 521
(photo credit: courtesy)
When “S” and I first got married, I was scared. Not because I didn’t think he was my beshert – because I do – but because I write about dating for a living and didn’t know how you, my readers, would react to the “married me.”
But then it dawned on me that if I was in need of dating advice, I would want to hear from someone who had recently been single but was now on the other side. Why would I want advice from someone whose advice wasn’t working on themselves? So I come to you, ready to announce that I’m now someone’s wife, and I hope that you can still relate to me and continue to learn from my own (as well as from my unfortunate but anonymous friends’) mistakes.
The lead-up to our proposal is one such lesson.
As you know, “S” and I met while I was on vacation in Israel, and we decided after one week that my laptop and I would move to Israel to see if our relationship could prosper.
We fell in love while exploring Israel. But because of our situation, it meant we were living together full-time from the start. That’s 24 hours a day, seven days a week with someone I had really just met.
We both worked from home, so that meant we had absolutely no break from one another. Needless to say, we started bickering about nonsense, until we realized that one of us needed to go to a coffee shop for a break every day.
Luckily, this simple change solved that issue – but after 10 months together, it seemed like it was time to take things to the next step… or not.
“S” and I decided to take a breather. I flew to my parents’ home in California, and he flew to his parents in Texas. After a few days apart, we started talking. No topic was left untackled. The break allowed us to view our relationship from the outside, both of us having been too engrossed up till then.
Were we staying together because of the sacrifices we had each made to be together? Because we were comfortable, and didn’t want to return to the single life? Not being in each other’s company and having “alone time” to really think, we both came up with our answer: a big fat “No!” to both questions.
“S” asked me to fly to Dallas. While I was on the flight over, he called my parents and asked for my hand in marriage, and then bought a ring. I had a sneaking suspicion – although to this day, I can’t say why – but “S” did a great job throwing me off the scent.
He picked me up from the airport bearing a dozen red roses, with one white rose in the middle. I tried to sneak a subtle peek inside that white rose – but nothing was there! Finally, after a tense dinner of question after question regarding my feelings and thoughts and concerns, “S” and I went for a walk and sat on a park bench.
Finally, I asked him how he was feeling, and he told me he wanted to marry me. I was thinking about some sarcastic comment along the lines of “That’s nice, but I’ve heard you say that before,” so I wasn’t paying attention when “S” leaned down to get something out of his sock.
Yes, he had had an engagement ring in his sock the entire time! And in its box! He then got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him – and I’m proud to announce that I said “Yes!” “S” and I celebrated our engagement back in Israel with a party at the place where we had met – a bar in the Tel Aviv port, then we had a big Israeli-style wedding in the States.
During the wedding planning process, I was able to see things from a different perspective than before. For example: For friends who weren’t in a relationship, should I add “and guest” to the invitation? How to create a seating chart without making the singles’ tables feel forced and uncomfortable? Could I seat two singles together at a different table in order to make a shidduch without it being obvious? In the end, everyone spent most of their time on the dance floor due to an Israeli deejay and an Israeli emcee (plus a minimal number of speeches), so I didn’t have to worry about any awkward silences.
Hopefully, my new status won’t deter you, but will instead make you more confident about heeding what I have to say about dating. In return, I’ll continue to keep my ear to the ground in the dating world, using my single friends’ experiences to teach from and giving some relationship insights as well.
The only thing that has changed is my byline; the subject stays the same.