The Foreign Ministry has issued an advisement to the diplomatic corps regarding the poker-face dry sense of humor that new US Secretary of State Anthony Blinkin is noted for.
To avoid offending him and potentially causing a harmful diplomatic incident by failing to pick up on and acknowledge his jokes, the ministry has disclosed that the top US diplomat winks perceptibly when he jests. Whenever Israeli officials notice this, they are instructed to move their heads appreciatively in response.
In other words, they should take special care to see winking Blinkin and nod.
Jamdemic: With a name like Smuckers
The pandemic is not over and mass prayer in small spaces is still forbidden. Despite this, the authorities received an anonymous tip that there was a jam-packed synagogue in Jerusalem this week in apparent violation of COVID restrictions.
The police corona enforcement squad snapped into action, bursting unannounced into the small but popular shul of the Smuckers Hassidim on Shabbat.
Officer Darryl Strawberry confirmed reports of a sticky situation: the edifice was indeed packed with an undisclosed number of cartons of jam.
Substance control experts recommended confiscating the jam before it could be spread.
Tender gender talk
As reported last month. US Speaker Fantasy Paloozi took steps to “honor all gender identities by changing pronouns and familial relationships in the House rules to be gender neutral.”
Not to be outdone, an MK of undisclosed gender preference tabled a bill in the Knesset this week calling for making gender-free language in the Knesset personatory.
“To prevent gender bias and foster a spirit of siblinghood, we should have done this a long time ago,” said the MK, “for instance, during the British Persondate period.”
Asked to comment by reporter Yonah Jeremy (Sponge) Bob, Paloozi explained, “Mfff mmph mmphmm” from underneath about a dozen masks. (Her office translated, “If one mask is good and two are better, then why stop there?”)
Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle strongly recommend that she add even more masks as soon as she finishes preparing articles of impeachment for yet another impeachment attempt against former president Donald Grump next week (although she denies that her obsession with impeaching Grump is interfering with the real work of legislating she should be doing to improve the lives of her constituents).
Although the first two impeachment attempts failed to secure a conviction, “The third time is the charm,” ironically said the woman who has none.
The silent tweetment
After completely banning tweets from Grump, Twitter this week also removed Prime Minister Benjamin Notayahoo from its platform. The Israeli leader had apparently demonstrated insight in a remark, and the social network reiterated that it adamantly opposes all types of insightment from activists on the Right.
Former slime minister A. Hood Oldmert strongly supported the social media gag of the prime minister in his weekly column this week.
“Let them shut him up. I don’t like Notayahoo,” he wrote. “Not at all. In fact I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate him. He’s bad. Evil. Not good.”
Oldmert added, “Oh, and did I mention that I dislike him?”
This is a breaking story. For the latest updates on Oldmert’s antipathy toward Notayahoo and more fulsome repetition of the same, be sure to read his column next week – and the week after and the week after....
ICC jurisfiction
Having decided and proclaimed that the International Criminal Court has jurisdiction to probe charges against Israelis for alleged war crimes, ICC Chief Prosecutor Fatuous Bensonovabich announced that she is also prosecuting Israel for fashion crimes.
“Have you seen those long black coats the men wear summer and winter? They look like they are right out of the 1800s. And what are those guys thinking, walking around with loose strings hanging out of both sides of their pants? And those absurd fur hats that look like they belong in car washes – don’t even get me started,” she wrote in her decision.
The ICC has also unilaterally declared that it has jurisdiction to probe Israeli crimes on the moon, and accordingly is fining the Jewish state for littering the lunar surface.
“I have no problem with patriots in Gaza firing rockets at unarmed Israeli civilians, but Israel crashed that Beresheet rocket on the moon and didn’t clean up after themselves. That is a crime against humanity – and against Martians. I give those Zionists with the strings and fur hats 90 days to remove that space junk or I will prosecute them to the fullest extent of the power that I hereby grant myself.”
Last and yet least
After having spoken with virtually every other world leader at least twice in the weeks since taking office, US President Joke Biden finally called Notayahoo last week. The Prime Minister’s Office reported that it was a positive, warm and constructive exchange of views, but reliable sources report that the conversation actually went something like this:
Notayahoo: “Hello, Mr. President. Thanks for calling me at last.”
Biden: “I’m confused. Who is this on the line?”
“Bibi Notayahoo.”
“Seriously? What are you doing on the line? How did that happen? I’m sorry, I must have called by mistake. I think I butt-dialed this. Anyway, gotta run; it’s time for my nap.”
Biden seeks Nobel Peace Prize
In a related story, Biden may not have phoned Israel quickly, but one phone call he did place without delay during his first day in office was to the Nobel Prize committee, demanding to know when they will announce his Nobel Peace Prize.
It was patiently explained to him that he hasn’t done anything yet to earn it.
“But you awarded Balak Obama the Peace Prize shortly after he became president, and he hadn’t done a thing either. I mean, it’s not like anyone achieved anything awesome for peace in the past year, like brokering accords between five predominantly Muslim states and Israel.”
Before the committee could reply, the call abruptly ended. Biden could no longer read the teleprompter, as he was sleepy and it was past time for his nap.
Same bat time, same bat channel
Following extensive research, the World Health Organization reported this week that bat caves may hold the answer to COVID’s origins.
Summoned to an interview by In Jerusalem via a searchlight beaming a bat silhouette into the clouds, mega-billionaire Baruch (Bruce) Wayne angrily responded, “Who is the Joker behind that theory?”
His faithful sidekick Rabin sagely added, “That suggestion is just plain bats*** crazy.”
Kurds and weigh
Speaking of popular TV fare, Mideast Cable TV announced that they have signed a deal for a new season of Keeping up with the Kurdashians, the obscure reality series that chronicles the wacky lifestyles of the colorful and eccentric (but unfortunately ignored) Kurdish people – their celebrity relationships, their lucrative business lines (clothing, cosmetics), their favorite weight-loss dishes (followed by a weekly weigh-in session) and their desperate long-running quest for a homeland.
Upcoming episodes feature a variety of amusing guest tormentors in the hot seat – including irate Iranians, ISIS ideologues and those always-troublesome terrible Turks. The Kurdashians continue to hope someone (other than Kanye Waist) will tune in and notice their plight.