Shuk drowns in gentrification

Plethora of new shops cause landslide of hipsters as entire shuk crumbles into pretentiousness.

By SHAUL GOLDBERGSTEIN
Updated: FEBRUARY 22, 2018 16:34
An unidentified hipster shops for artisanal walnut oil, just before the pompous ‘balagan’ that shook the shuk last Friday (photo credit: MARC ISRAEL SELLEM)
An unidentified hipster shops for artisanal walnut oil, just before the pompous ‘balagan’ that shook the shuk last Friday
(photo credit: MARC ISRAEL SELLEM)
The construction of 45 new pretentious sandwich shops each serving different types of sourdough and ciabatta bread with aioli and crème fraiche caused a massive landslide in Jerusalem’s iconic Mahaneh Yehuda market on Friday. Seven hipsters, most with man-buns, were slightly injured.
“Over the last few years, more than half the shops in the shuk have been turned into new restaurants in an unprecedented gentrification,” said area resident Hulda Ben-Porat. “This year, the process became even more extreme as 30 new boutique coffee-grinder places opened and 20 new vegan street-food restaurants were in the process of opening.”
She said she noticed the first cracks in the pavement appearing around midday on Friday. Then, as hordes of Birthright tours entered the shuk, the whole market began to shift slightly downhill. Stalls collapsed and artisanal tater tots and fried gherkins rained down upon people as the entire grandiose hipster façade gave way.
“We had just finished unpacking a new shipment of pearl onions to be used atop our pescatarian mock chicken cacciatore when we heard it,” said Simon Levy-Pesach, owner of “Hardwood Raw Food,” one of the newest establishments. “We ran for our lives in our lumberjack-esque plaid shirts, leaving behind our grape juice spritzers and faux-martini-ice-coffee blended drinks,” he recalled, noting that he had lost a two-week supply of mason jars in the “tragedy.”
Despite the destruction, new entrepreneurs were already surveying the area to see how to convert it into a cool new eatery.
“Well, I think this whole organic authentic destroyed area could be excellent for serving amuse-bouches,” one man in checked suspenders and knee-high Doc Martens opined. “Yes, I like how the pavement is all crumbled and there are exploding sewage lines. We could definitely use the half-broken parts of pavement as serving plates.”
Another pedestrian thought this was a great idea. “Yeah, I mean we could put shaved gravlax onto the sidewalk and then some vegan steak tartare with goose breast drizzled in wasabi yam flakes.”